I was born in Redruth, Cornwall, UK on 20 March 1965. My father served in the Royal Navy, and we have a long line of military serving family. We were what I can only describe as working class, not poor as we always had enough but never wealthy as such. I became aware of this issue through my own experiences which were pretty prevalent in 1970s Britain and the community ethos which existed at that time of whatever happens behind his or her doors is his or her business no one else’s not even the village policeman.

Silence as law.

A culture that closed its eyes.

I find I can share my perspective on this subject with only a select few. I can generally sense who I might be able to talk to about these things, who might have an understanding and who might not. I felt a vibe with you, quite inexplicable, maybe a sixth sense but also a sense that you yourself had maybe experienced the same or similar.

Trust arrives quietly.

Not chosen, but felt.

As an 8-year-old I had no real idea of what grooming was as back then in the 1970s although it existed it was not recognised in the same way as it is today. When the process of grooming began, I recognised that something was wrong that certain things being asked of me or said to me were wrong as I was the child and she was the adult.

Children always know.

They do not always have the words.

I would say the early red flags that a child maybe being groomed are a little difficult to spot. If a child is regularly visiting a single adult’s home that would almost certainly be a red flag if there were no good reason for that child having to go there, particularly if they were alone and not with friends etc. Today it is even more difficult with the plethora of online medias which young people use and predators log into to pick out potential victims.

The warning signs are small.

They blend into what looks ordinary.

In my case with her being a babysitter who was known to my parents it was very difficult as the foundation of trust was already there as none of us could have guessed what would soon start happening. I think my parents thought she would be ideal as there were no reason for them to suspect otherwise other than she had suffered a marital break-up, other than that she was not someone you could associate with being predatory.

Predators often come through the front door of the home.

I think grooming can take place when a child is alone in a comfortable environment such as that of what mine was. It was nothing out of the normal for the babysitter to cuddle up and read stories and maybe test my receptivity to any advances or touching that might have occurred. So, environment such as a private home or bedroom where you are both alone is certainly a huge factor.

Danger often lives

inside what feels safe.

I think shame is perhaps the greater part of it all. If things get found out and everybody knows within a small community, there is the danger of ridicule and torment which will inevitably happen especially with schoolfriends. In my case no one other than my parents knew of what happened, it was contained and spared me any of the above.

Shame is both mask and silence.

It keeps the story in the shadows.

There really wasn’t any protection back in the 1970s especially in the education system where predators also lurked (my old P.E teacher for one!). It was a bit of a taboo subject much as sex was and one learned about these things mostly from the other older kids as parents didn’t really talk about sex. My parents did explain to me what a homosexual was, and you must “keep away from his as he’s a bit of a weirdo” but it didn’t really go into too much detail and local authorities didn’t really help with these things back then either.

Silence at home.

Silence in school.

I think the biggest misconception with grooming is that if a female grooms a male its less emotionally destructive, like it’s something you should be grateful for, that its every boy’s fantasy to be taken by an attractive older female. I think that is the greatest misunderstanding of all. Even today there are those who’d say “well, that sounds like every male’s fantasy” until I say, “yes but I was 8 at the time”!

Fantasy collapses

when you speak the number out loud.

I can’t say that grooming has affected my outlook on others or has made me less willing to trust others, I am always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, to not judge them, to be kind and courteous to them unless anything in their persona makes me inclined to think otherwise.

Trust, still possible.

Survival can look like openness.

I think that society should impose tougher sentencing with those who groom and have sex with children. I feel we are still a long way off from defeating a problem which has blighted humanity probably from the dawn of humanity itself.

The problem is ancient.

The answers still unfinished.

I am very aware of grooming and ensured that my two children were fully aware of what it was all about and how those that groom operate. So, I would say by educating others as to the dangers helps you to cope, not that I suffered in any way from my experiences, but I guess I was lucky in a sense as I knew boys who had been groomed by men who to this day suffer some psychological impact from their experiences.

Coping sometimes means teaching.

Turning warning into protection.

Most definitely it has influenced many aspects, but I can’t say in any negative sense. I learned from a young age how powerful desire combined with one’s actions in the sexual sense can be a powerful thing, particularly the art that is seduction. How do I begin to describe what I mean without sounding crude or anything? So, when the grooming began with me to the advanced level I was told “this is what a girl enjoys the most, do you want to try it”? I was instructed on how just using your tongue you could bring a girl to orgasm not just by using the tongue to stimulate her clitoris, but she would also stretch herself out naked on the bed and say to me “just use your tongue on my belly, just gently lick”. The process of touching and kissing where vital components of intimacy was what I was told.

The child becomes teachered in ways no child should.

Desire becomes knowledge too early.

In the terms of boundaries as an adult I don’t really have any boundaries as such as I am what I believe completely uninhibited in the sexual sense. Though I have been asked in past relationships if I would consider “putting it in the other hole” to which I did draw the line and it’s the one thing I guess I have set a boundary at.

Boundaries redrawn.

Sometimes blurred. Sometimes held.

I can’t say that today there are too many echoes of my experiences. Yet, sometimes during foreplay or making love itself I might have a little flashback but it’s nothing major more often than not just a fleeting memory of something triggered by what I might be doing right at that present moment.

Echoes surface in touch.

Not always heavy, but present.

I think for you to be intimate there has to be an instinctive sense of trust in the first place. I generally have a vibe, a spiritual thing, a sixth sense of whether being intimate even with a complete stranger is going to work out. I find I trust 100% unless given a good reason or bad experience to think otherwise. I have no issues with closeness and no difficulties with the expressing of my feelings.

Closeness survives.

Perhaps it always wanted to.

I can’t say I have had to relearn or unlearn anything in what feels safe in both pleasure and connection. In the sexual sense making love is a spiritual connection or at least it should be, both of you during the act are in a sense of vulnerability as you are both giving yourselves to one another, so it is probably the safest feeling there is.

Safety is not always absence of risk.

Sometimes it is surrender.

I think the main objective warning would be is trust what your child tells you and act upon it right away if there has been grooming and abuse involved on any level. Children even if they do not tell an adult what is happening with them there will inevitably be signs that you as the parent should be able to pick up on. Also, one must always educate your child or children as to the dangers of sexual grooming and predation today more so than ever due to the emergence of the world wide web and the fact that even the youngest of children in society today have access to a mobile phone or online device where predators lurk in the shadows. As the old saying states “in the sea, there be monsters”.

His voice ends with warning.

Mine ends with listening.

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I feel deeply honored and privileged to share something new. For the first time, I’ve done a long-distance interview with a friend who trusted me with one of his most intimate and personal experiences. That trust is not something I take lightly.

Some of you may remember my piece Sitting With Contradiction. This story continues that thread. I have carried contradictions in how I see predators — the ways society excuses female perpetrators while condemning male ones, and how those contradictions live inside me too. It is uncomfortable, but it is real. And I believe it is important to sit with that tension rather than turn away.

This piece exists because my friend chose to speak. His words are shared in full. My voice is only there to listen, to hold space, and to weave silence where silence is needed.

What follows is not easy to hear. But silence protects predators, and silence isolates survivors. My hope is that this breaks a little of that silence.