for a moment, I really wanted you, an unexpected desire 

I knew your face, felt the softness of your tiny feet

curly brown hair, you had the perfect complexion

color of the purest honey

I heard the sweetest of all sounds, your baby laughter

but these thoughts only came after 

my first

during the weeks I carried

I loved you, I hated you 

sick with worry, decisions, decisions 

I had to hurry 

I feel the need to apologize, you never came to be

I’ll never hear the sound, of your voice saying mami

my first 

we were irresponsible , throwing caution to the wind 

my divorce wasn’t even finalized

mami said I committed the ultimate sin 

you’d be twenty something now 

but he made me vow, to destroy the act of love

in that moment I hated him

I could have defied, I could have denied 

him of the control, no one to console 

I haven’t thought of you in ages, a lump in my throat

am I writing this for you, or is this for me

damn it

I’ve always said, I just want to be free

my first  

the one that never was, thought I was glad to get rid

the thing, you know what I did 

life presses on , no time to mourn, no time to be blue

but today, my first, I thought of you